Tired of running a successful, healthy company? Long for the days of constant stress and always worrying if this week would be the last.
Stop succeeding and get back to the old days with these proven tools. No more healthy, happy employees that treat each other with respect. No more reaching long-term growth goals. Just good old fashioned misery and anxiety.
1. Lie As Often As Possible
If you want to be a bad boss, you need to start strong. And, in the world of screwing up your company beyond repair that means lying as much as your awful snake tongue will let you.
Start small. Use classic lies like, “I never said that,” or “I told you to finish that project by today.” These are great lies that are hard to disprove and cause a lot of blame game around the office.
Once people have gotten used to the little lies, really up your bad boss game by lying about major things. Tell folks everything is OK when it clearly isn’t. Lie to everyone you can about progress updates. Don’t let anyone know when things are off-track.
Really just lie your ass off.
2. Don’t Tell People What You Want, But Punish Them For Not Doing It
Now that you’re up and running as a bad boss, really stick it to folks with some poorly managed expectations.
Be vague about project goals and weekly progress. Don’t ever let someone nail you down to a number or a date on something like that. That way, no matter what they accomplish, you can still be angry about it.
When people know exactly what’s expected of them, they tend to actually do it. Lame. If you keep them in the dark though, no amount of hard work will ever be enough. This has the dual reward of pissing people off and preventing them from making significant progress towards goals.
3. Assign Tasks And Never Follow Up
Nothing says “good boss” like accountability.
The next step on your bad boss journey is assigning a bunch of crap for people to do and never checking in on them. Doesn’t matter what it is,really. In fact, the more asinine and unrelated to actual long-term goals it is, the better. Really just make some stuff up. It works best if you do this in spurts, and pretend like you’ve really got the business under control. This time it’s gonna be different!
Watch as they try to get it all done, only to realize you’ve forgotten. Then, they get back to playing solitaire or whatever else it is that employees use to fill their meaningless existence.
4. Provide Zero Context
If your employees know what the long-term goals are, they are going to have a much better understanding of their own projects and how to succeed in them. We want to avoid that at all costs.
Never let your team know what your plan is or how their work relates to it. Keep them guessing and totally in the dark. Even better, compartmentalize the projects so nobody knows what anybody is doing.
5. Always Have A Scapegoat
The worst case scenario for you is getting caught doing something wrong. If you do, you can’t get made CEO of some big company after yours burns to the ground. And that would be an injustice.
This is why you need a good scapegoat for every situation. Take some time to write down all of the things you are responsible for. Then, identify someone in the business you can blame, if things go sideways. Now, instead of working to succeed in those projects, spend your time making this person look more and more at fault.
Of course, if the project succeeds, you could always jump up and claim credit. That’s bad boss 101!
6. Punish Publicly. Never Reward.
If your company has a gallows or one of those things you lock people up and throw fruit at them with, you’re golden. Otherwise, think of ways to really shame your employees for screwing up even little stuff.
You want them to not just feel bad, but feel like they aren’t really part of the team. This ensures they will work harder next time, and prevents any sense of team culture.
7. Scream, Yell, Call Names, And Abuse
I have a simple rule: if employees feel comfortable, you aren’t being abusive enough.
There are good bosses and mediocre bosses. But, you want to be a bad boss. And, bad bosses scream and yell as often as possible. Why? Well, because it accomplishes so much! You get to motivate people to do better, work out your aggression, displace the emotions of your own failure, and act like a baby all at once.
When people feel safe, they start getting lazy. Keep your employees on their toes with a good solid F-bomb every now and then, preferably screamed at the top of your lungs while your face turns purple.
8. Admit Nothing
Never. Take. Responsibility.
For explanation see rule 5.
9. Ask For More Than Is Possible
Don’t just be demanding, be unreasonable. Ask for what cannot be delivered so people work round the clock and you never have to say those awful words, “good job.”
Ugh, it makes me sick just typing it.
When you set goals, set goals that no one can meet. When you create timelines, make them absurd. If you really want to up your bad boss game, report these goals and timelines to everyone you can. Your employees, your bosses, even the public. Let me tell you what, nothing can ruin a company faster than not getting anywhere near projected goals.
10. Reward The Toadies
Finally, only give rewards to the people who kiss the most butt. The ones who really get up in there.
They’re the ones making you feel good. And shouldn’t you feel good. After all, you’re the one screwing up the company like a boss.